Time has no meaning

The IMCU (Intermediate Care Unit) of the Legacy hospital I was in was a haven for my family.  It was quite and as comfortable as a hospital suite can be.  We have no pictures of this time and I for one am happy about that.  During my days of time standing still I understand that I was a very scary shade of gray. Unfortunately is wasn't the lighting of my room, it was where my body was..in limbo and shade of gray was my body's way of coping with the trauma.

Having family close is no longer the norm of our world.  We tend to be spread out as jobs and life pull us many different ways.  My bio-family was no different.  My mother and her husband live in Kansas and my dad and sisters live about 3 hours away, while my in-laws are spread around too.  With the distance we don't see each other often.  We love our time together it just seems to be short and far between.  Since life is so busy and time is so short, right.

However, time for my family and dear friends pulled up short too when the unknown struck.  Not only did dear local friends rally around but my family came from far and wide to love me.  My dad arrived first.  My strokes were on Thursday and he was there Friday morning.  I couldn't open my eyes but I could smell him as soon as he walked in the room.  I love my Dad.  He has worn the same cologne since I was a little kid and for me it is one of the most wonderful smells and memories of my life. When he walked in it was like a little piece of me fell into place.  I remember he held my hand and talked with me and how happy I was he was there.  I felt so loved.  A few hours later my sisters showed up flowers and a stuffed dog with a bandaged head in tow. And again another piece fell into place.  I have no idea how long I listened to them laugh, tease and talk with each other but I do remember the incredible happiness I felt.  To make things even better in my foggy world my Mom arrived that evening and my biological family as a whole wrapped around me.  What bliss!  It makes me cry to remember it and I didn't even really engage, that I can remember.  I still couldn't open my eyes or stay awake for very long but I vividly remember my joy of being surrounded by my family who loved me and I loved them.  Jason was there everyday providing his calm steady love and support and my kids would come to visit making me laugh and feel whole.  My Mom was there every night to watch over me. She played with my hair or rubbed my head when the pain was to much and she prayed over me constantly.

I couldn't see for 4 days but I could listen.

And listen I did. Again for me the four days felt like one really long one but I discovered a love of listening that I've never really had.  I'm more of a talk more and listen if you have to kind of person...lol. That's been an adjustment for me.  I love to listen. 

The thing I learned over those days was the beauty of other peoples journey. 

I learned that the friends and family that visited are on a journey, as well, through this uncertain time.  They are processing too.   I got to listen as they processes and spoke around and to me.  They loved me dearly but they too were faced with very personal questions like

"Is God big enough for this?"

"Why would God allow this?" 

and 

"How is God going to use this for good?"

 These are very personal questions that each of us must face when we come to a crisis.  What do we really believe?  I was raised in the church and have remained over these many years, I know the right answers (head knowledge) but when faced with the idea that 'to live is Christ' what does that really mean? (heart knowledge, soul deep knowledge)  These are questions I hope to share what I've learned over the post ahead.  But going back to the hospital ;-) I was so thankful for the raw messy life that those around me shared.  Their fears, hopes, prayers.  What a gift to be so trusted and loved.

The whole time I was still at such overwhelming peace.  My over arching prayer and the words that enveloped me was 'to live is Christ, to die is gain' I knew there was more to that verse but I couldn't remember it.  I was so aware of Christ over me, protecting me, loving me and I could feel that from my family, my husband, my children. I was in a black hole of time for me it really had no basis in the reality of time but as I've discovered love really is timeless and full.

As we continue this journey I'd like to share what I've learned of processing the unexpected and the incredible hope that everyone can experience.