Miracles and life can be messy and painful

Hello Again!

Yes, I'm still here trying to make the time to visit.

My recovery has been incredible to say the least.  Incredibly humbling, overwhelming and encouraging.

It is now November 2016 and as of last week I no longer need my glasses.
What you ask?  I've needed glasses to correct a simple stigmatism off and on again since I was 16.  But with the stroke I needed to wear them all the time.  My eyes just couldn't do it without causing me a debilitating headache.  But last week I lost most of my vision and saw things swimming around, it kinda looked like snow, for about 30 seconds.  It TOTALLY freaked me out.  And with the vision loss came a deep bruise like pain in the back of my head.  It wasn't necessarily painful just a deep bruised feeling.  Not wanting to freak my family out by running to the hospital, again, I just mentioned it to my hubby and went to bed hoping to sleep it off.  DON'T DO THAT...if you have loss of vision and pain in your head please go to the hospital or your doctors!

Well, me and my hope that I would feel better in the morning didn't work out so well. I still ended up calling my doctor who, surprise, said I needed a CT scan to make sure things were ok.  So what I had hopped to avoid came anyway and I ended up at the hospital from 11-6.  Not quite what I had planned to do on a Wednesday. :-(

However, the CT scan showed that everything looked even better than it did at my last CT scan this summer!  Things just continued to improve!  Yippee for us!

So what was going on?  I went to work the next week and my boss made note that each time I'd ended up in pain at the hospital that I had experienced healing so maybe I don't need my glasses anymore.  Huun, I thought that's easy to find out....and off my glasses came.

It's now been a week and I can see clearly with no head or eye pain.  No vision, balance or bruise issues.  In fact the bruise feeling went away the day after I took my glasses off.  I think she was on to something for each Hospital visit I have made since my stroke has been around the time of finding out I was healed from the stroke or one of it's side effects.  So I discovered that in my life miracles can be a bit messy when I try to do it our way and a bit painful when I fight what He has done.

As I've said before nothing is wasted with God so I always have to ask....

What I learned this time?

1. I still don't listen.  If I had been listening to my body and not over extending myself in the business of life, again, I might have noticed a still small voice letting me know that the glasses were no longer needed.

2. Referring to #1, I am to busy, again.  I want so badly to be back in the mix of life that I'm pushing to hard and missing what matters most....time with my Savior and with those He has placed in my life.  Life is short and time in the ER is long.  I'd much rather be with my people where God has planted me.  There are things He has given me to do and I'm reminded that I'm not doing them in exchange for the 'business'.

3. I am again humbled to be surrounded by such faithful people who love me and love the Lord. Who accept the mess that I am with grace and truth.  Those who see that we are on a journey, an adventure, that doesn't end in this life, thankfully, and that we need each other to make it.

Now What?

I'm still a mess! I still don't have it figured out! I still need clear, burning bush, guidance.

But I don't think any of those 'what now' things are necessarily bad.  I don't want to survive this life I want to thrive and live abundantly.  Abundantly in my experience tends to be messy.  However, for that to happen I need to live dependently on Christ as my guide.  I will never have it all figured out.

Proverbs 3:5-8 reminds us of this very thing:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.

 It will be healing to your body
And refreshment to your bones."

 

He needs to be my vision, His word a lamp unto my path (Psalms 119:105)

 

This seems to be a common theme within my life.  Even before the stroke this truth has been over me but at the time I think I believed that I was invincible and that I needed to be older to really understand.  I assumed that I would live to be a beautiful older age like my grandparents who loved the Lord and faithfully prayed for their family. But we can be assured that nothing in this life is assured except Christ.  Time waits for no man (or woman) we've all heard it before and it is true.  Time waits for no one and no one can redo time.  We have today, this moment.  I hope you make it count.  I know that is what I'm working on.

 

Don't forget to tell your loved ones that you love them. Don't be stingy with your heart, hugs or encouragement.  You never know the difference your sincerity can be to anyone or everyone you come into contact with.

 

Blessings on this journey,

Amber

Is It Possible?

If I picked up this book I would read to the end to make sure it was a happy ending....so I struggle with how to write.

My heart is so full.  Do I laugh? Do I cry? Dance maybe? Or all three?  I choose all 3!

But first and foremost I go to God in prayer and praise as He is the one who brought us to this place.

Today is August 17th, 2016.  Seven months ago, I suffered a stroke based in the two main arteries going to my brain which should have killed me. Seven months ago, the world of my family and our close friends changed.  I knew nothing of strokes at the time, I just knew what the doctors said when they came in my room. It is very rare for people to survive the kind of stroke I had.  

Even at that time I knew that we were in God's hands.  We were already no strangers to suffering or loss and we had seen in the midst of our grieving the faithfulness of our God. He never left us and has been glorified in our lives through the struggles.  I knew He was big enough for this too.

The last seven months have had high highs and low lows. There are times I am not proud of, behaviors that I've had to reconsider and repent from.  I have seen myself in a very different light.  I have also seen those around me in a different light.  I don't hesitate to tell someone I love them, to hug, to offer what I've learned about hope, purpose and the beauty that God can make from the ashes.  Suffering isn't pretty, it's not fun, but it's not wasted either.  We would never in our right minds sign up for it.  We wouldn't offer up our families for the trial of suffering.  But we live in a fallen world and suffering abounds, there is no lack.

Waking up on January 14th I didn't realize it could have been my last morning. But I do now.  Any day could be our last.  I plead with you, don't miss life, your kids, your spouse, and what is going on around you! Put down your phone, step away from work, the computer, the TV and take a good look at the world around you.  Say "I love you" and mean it, give hugs, look people in the eye everywhere you go and smile.  Your alive! You have a beautiful purpose, don't squander it on the busy stuff, life is too short for that.

Before I had my stroke I was looking for an adventure. :-) The stroke was not really what I had in mind but it has definitely been all that and more.

Let's rewind to three weeks ago. I found out, after my post stroke six-month brain scans, that the artery on the right side of my neck had healed…awesome! But I was also told that I was developing a pseudo-aneurysm where the dissection was. I was told that this was not an immediate threat and not to worry about it. Yea, right. But that I needed to keep my blood pressure down, keep life easy, no stress, no working out, no running, no, no, no.  You get the picture, play it safe. I was then sent to an amazing Neuro-Surgeon for follow up. Unfortunately, a few days later I ended up at the doctor’s office with an 'I want to climb in a hole and die' pain in my head, but no other symptoms.  The pain was completely overwhelming and I was unable to function, or move, even breathing hurt, so off to the ER they sent me from the doctor’s office.  They ruled it a migraine, gave me the 'migraine ER cocktail' and sent me home.  I was out of it for about a week afterward.... ugh. It was not a pretty week.

But today was different.  Today was my Neuro-Surgeon appointment.  We figured that we would be coming up with a game plan for this new development and treatment for my continued health.  We were a little nervous about the whole thing.  However, when the doctor walked in he asked why we were there. We were very confused.

We explained about the stroke and the pseudo-aneurysm.  He looked a little confused and pulled up one of my scans.  He went on to explain that my stroke had completely healed.  We figured he was talking about the right side artery because the left side artery had collapsed.  So I asked about it.  He scrolled through the many pictures and showed us the two arteries fully functional and noted that there was a little squiggle in the right artery but it was nothing to be concerned about, it wasn’t a pseudo-aneurysm.

He said I'm completely healed.  

We are scheduling follow up scans in a year just to make sure everything still looks good but at this point I have no restrictions, NONE! My husband and I were in absolute shock!

Is it possible?

I remember thinking back to when the stroke happened and doctors kept telling me I shouldn't have survived and I kept answering "You don't know my God!" with Him all things are possible.

We didn't even know how to process it.  We praised God.  We laughed a little, we cried, I danced.  We went out for coffee at Dutch Bros. :-) The lady who took our order didn't know what hit her.... she was the first one to hear of the miracle! Healed.  We just couldn't wrap our brains around it. Healed. No more restrictions. Healed. No more fear of high blood pressure. HEALED! I mentioned in an earlier post that the word for the time of the stroke and healing had been “overwhelmed.” We had been so overwhelmed but this one took the cake.  God had healed me.  I have two working arteries, no more dissection, no pseudo-aneurysm.  It was my second miracle.  He saved my life and let me stay with my family after the stroke.  And now He had restored by body to a state of healed.  I am humbled, I am amazed, I am overwhelmed, I am hopeful that I will walk worthy of this gift I've been given.  May His praise ever be on my lips.

At the same time, we are still experiencing great sorrow as someone we love suffers deeply from cancer and my heart is heavy as I think of her and her family. My heart is heavy as I look at those who suffer around me.  As I see those who have not been healed.  My prayers are for them and for their families for I know personally the power of prayer.  But I also understand that God's ways are not ours.  I don't understand why some are healed and others are not.  There are so many things I don't understand.  But I do know with complete confidence that nothing is wasted with God. He is good all the time.  And in this sinful fallen world He is the only true hope there is.  We have known deep grief and suffering over and over in our lives but we have never walked alone.  He has always been there to comfort and guide.  

I hope to continue to share life's journey with those who chose to follow.  As we can attest, we are learning as we go and there is so much left to learn.  Life is a beautiful mystery and I don't want to miss a moment.

Love,

Amber 

Philippians 1:21-30

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.  But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose.  But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith, so that your proud confidence in me may abound in Christ Jesus through my coming to you again."

Overwhelmed and Encouraged

Overwhelmed seems to be the theme of my stroke recovery!

I am overwhelmed by life, sounds, sights, touch, information, and lack of words to express myself. I am overwhelmed by the need for sleep. I am overwhelmed by the need to be quiet and disconnected from the busyness of life. I'm overwhelmed by all the things not getting done that I need to do.  So many things, so little time.

The reality of life and our brief time on this planet has been made so apparent to me. There are things that really matter and then there is everything else.

I am overwhelmed and deeply humbled by the prayers given on behalf of my family and myself! I am overwhelmed by the grace that has been shown to me during the last 6 months, I feel so unworthy. I am overwhelmed by the message of hope in the midst of suffering that I have been given. I am overwhelmed by the need to share, speak and let everyone know that life is here one minute and gone the next, don't miss it!  I am overwhelmed by the amazing people in my life that I have told "I love you" to and meant it! I'm overwhelmed by the fact that God loves us and sent His one and only Son to die and be raised from the dead on the 3rd day in order to defeat death so we can experience life abundantly with Him. This life isn't everything there is. There is so much more and we need to look at life from an eternal perspective, now that is overwhelming!

Encouraged

As overwhelmed as I am, I know that nothing is wasted with God and this time will be used for His glory in my life.  Be encouraged!  If you know Jesus, don't be afraid of suffering, your never alone.  If you don't know Jesus, I'd love to introduce you (see below) but it is likely that there is someone you know who is a follower of Christ who has already been praying for you and they would love to share what Jesus has done in their life with you. 

Ultimately, here is the good news and the most important decision you can make.  

The biggest thing to remember is that there is nothing you can do to earn God's gift of salvation.  It is a free gift given by God to all who ask.

You were created with value and worth! God loves you and created you to know Him personally. The Bible tells us: "You created every part of me and put me together in my mother's womb." (Psalm 139:13-14) God loves you. “For God loved the world so much that He gave His Only Son so that anyone who believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) God's purpose for you. [Christ is speaking] "My purpose is to give life in all its fullness." (John 10:10) What keeps us from connecting with God and knowing Him? All people are sinful and separated from God so we cannot know Him personally or experience His love. People are sinful. "For all have sinned; all fall short of God's glorious standard." (Romans 3:23) We were created to have a personal relationship with God, but by our own choice and self-will we have gone our own independent way and that relationship has been broken.  This self-will, often seen as an attitude of active rebellion toward God or lack of interest in Him, is an evidence of what the Bible calls sin. People are separated. “But the trouble is that yours sins have cut you off from God." (Isaiah 59:2) "For the wages of sin is death." (Romans 6:23) God is holy and people are sinful.  A great gap separates the two.  People are continually trying to reach God through their own efforts such as a good life, philosophy or religion, but they always fail. What is the solution to our sin and separation from God?

Jesus Christ is God's only solution for our sin.  Through Him alone, we can know God personally and experience God's love. He died in our place. "But God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." (Romans 5:8) He rose from the dead. “Christ died for our sins ... He was buried, and He was raised from the dead on the third day ... He was seen by Peter and then by the twelve apostles.  After that He was seen by more than five hundred ..." (1 Corinthians 15:3-6) He is the only way to God. “Jesus said to them, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'" (John 14:6) God has bridged the gap that separates us from Him by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in our play to pay the penalty for our sins. It is not enough just to know these facts about Jesus Christ... We must personally receive Jesus Christ as our Savior and Lord then we can know God personally and experience His love. We must believe in and receive Christ. "To all who received Him, He gave the right to become children of God.  All they had to do was to trust [believer in] Him to save them." (John 1:12) We receive Christ by faith. “For it is by grace you have been saved.  through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God - not by works so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8,9) When we receive Christ we experience a new birth. (See John 3:1-8.) We receive Christ by personal invitation.[Christ is speaking] "Behold, I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him." (Revelation 3:20) Receiving Christ involves: -Recognizing our need for Christ. -Turning to Christ and away from self (repentance). -Trusting Christ to come into our lives, forgive our sins, and make us what He wants us to be. Just to agree that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that He died on the cross for our sins is not enough.  Nor is it enough to have an emotional experience. We receive Jesus Christ by faith as a decision of our will. Don't depend on feelings Our feelings about God and what is true may change from time to time.  However, the promises of God's Word, the Bible- not our feelings- is the basis of our confidence.  The Christian lives by faith (trust) in God Himself and His Word (the Bible).

Connect with GOD

Here is how you can receive Christ. You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Prayer is just talking with God.  God knows your heard and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart.  Here is a suggested prayer. Lord Jesus, I need You.  Thank You for dying on the cross in my place for my sins.  I believe in You, and I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord.  Thank You for forgiving me of my sins and giving me eternal life.  Take control of the throne of my life and make me the kind of person You want me to be. Does this prayer express the desire of your heart?  If it does, pray this prayer right now, and Christ will come into your life, as He promised.  Again, it's the attitude of the heart that matters not the specific words you use.  Talk to God, He will hear you. The next step is to tell someone! Get into contact with a local Pastor.  Get a Bible! Another resource is http://www.connectingwithgod.com/project/stay/index.htm And please let me know.... send me a message and I'll be praying for you too! I've taken the above message with edits (me) from the booklet called Connecting with God. http://www.connectingwithgod.com/project/get/promise.htm

It takes the whole team to make it!

The first few weeks after the stroke wouldn't have gone well without the love and support of our friends and family.  I thing it is a fair assessment that crisis are best survived when you are surrounded by loving family and friends...especially the kind that don't hover or smother but are there to gently help or pick up in the areas that get lost in the moment.

Family

 I wouldn't have been able to successfully function those first few weeks without my husband who lovingly reassured me in my healing and God's hand in the process.  He was my memory, my guide, my protector and my rock.  My older kids also supported me in amazing ways by always keeping an eye on me when their Dad was gone and going above and beyond to watch, care for, and comfort their younger siblings during this time.  I slept most of the time for the first 2 weeks and my Mom and Mother in law both spent a week helping my family and I by staying at our house. They keep things moving by cooking, cleaning, playing and watching the kids and making sure I was staying mellow.  None of the above was easy.  I am a very independent person who now found myself a very dependent person.  It has been incredibly hard for me to accept help.  But with a busy family of 7 nothing is that simple and help was desperately needed.  As I have learned to accept, with a few reservations, the help of family and friends we not only survived this time but I can say with confidence, 4 months later, that each of the challenges we faced has brought us closer as a family. It has been wonderful to see how my accepting help has given way to a deeper understanding of not only my husband and children but also our extended family.  Their love is deep and by allowing them in to help I was giving them a way to serve our family and show us a practical side of love. It was hard to have someone else do my laundry, wash my dishes and clean my bathrooms but these are all things that need to be done.  My kids are completely capable of all these things but they too were on survival mode and busy with school and their other commitments.  We needed help and they stepped in and took care of it.  I can't thank them enough.

Friends

And then there are friends. Friends are a special breed of amazing (or crazy depending on how you want to look at it)! I'm not comparing friends vs. family...they are each distinctive and important but I do want to highlight some of the unique and special miracles that friendships are. They appear in our lives in unexpected ways and they become family.  We have been richly blessed with people whom we lovingly call friends, confidants, fellow weekend warriors and shoulders to lean on.  I've found that in the world we currently occupy that people don't really understand the need to be a friend or the need, no really a requirement!, to have a friend. Some find it easier to serve as a friend but being able to be served and helped in a time of need is what it is like to have a friend. A friend is someone who can see you, your house, your kids, and your spouse at it's worst and they still come back.  They are the few that can see the raw mess that you are and they love you anyway.  Hopefully everyone has someone like that in their lives.  But as I said we have been blessed with a few of these amazing people and they too helped to carry our family during this time of difficulty and I cannot understate the immense support they are to us all.  They took the little's for play dates, made meals, stopped by just to check on the kids and hang out while I was in the hospital, they called the big boys and made sure they had what they needed, they prayed with our kids and us, some visited the hospital, while others called, sent flowers and cards just to let us know they loved us.

Could we have survived this on our own?

Without God, not a chance. 

Without family? Without friends?

We are survivors so I'd say we could have survived but our scars would have been many.  We could have hidden it removed ourselves and our children from our lives and suffered alone, as many people do. We could have just done it on our own and we would have carried the scars and loneliness for years to come. But God has supplied us with this great net of security, comfort and love in our friends and family. We would be crazy to try and do it on our own! But I don't take that support for granted! I am overwhelmingly grateful.

All you have to do is spend some time in a hospital to see how many people don't have the support I've shared about today.  Just seeing the sick young and old sitting in a room by themselves trying to figure out how to survive.  It breaks my heart.  No one is an island, no one can survive alone.  It is up to each of us to put down our phones, step out of the business of life and get to know our neighbors, talk to the people around us and really care.  Do you know who lives next to you?  Do you know the name of your bank teller? hair dresser? grocery clerk? barista? the list goes on and on.  We come into contact with so many people each day and everyone has a story, everyone has burdens and everyone is valuable and loved by God.  So should they be valuable to us too! And the only way to make it, is to open ourselves to the friendships that are around us.  To love people where they are. You may be the only person who does that for that person?

Out of my experience I challenge you to open your eyes to the people around you.  Say a genuine 'hello' expecting nothing in return.  Chose to be friendly and possibly become a friend. When you’re on the train, the bus, or the elevator make eye contact.  Be that person! Smile, you have no idea what their story maybe and you may be exactly what they need to make it another day.  Don't be afraid of being vulnerable or of helping.  It takes both to be a friend.

4 months

Just shy of 4 months’ post stroke and I sit in Kona Hawaii reminiscing over the last 4 months and what it has meant to me, my family, friends, and strangers. 

The first few weeks’ post stroke was challenging for my family and I as we learned to adjust to my limitations.  I was so tired as my brain tried to heal. I had some continued issues with my words and balance and we discovered my memory had holes in it too.  I just didn't remember things that I should have and my short term memory was pretty hit or miss as well. In all honesty that has been one of the most difficult parts of my recovery, missed memory.  My memory in some areas is completely sharp but there are other areas that just seem out of reach. Things that I think I should remember I don't.  And it isn't just older memories.... I’ve discovered as I've tried to push pass my barriers of healing that stress, noise (oven or bathroom vents, T.V.), to much visual stimulation (T.V. driving long distances) or vibrations (airplanes) really mess with my ability to remember things in the here and now.  Thankfully it's not things like remembering children or anything big like that! It's more the things like schedule, plans I've made or people I've met, or things I've said while under the stress that tend to rattle my memory.  I'm a person who likes to be in charge to know what is going on, who is going where, when, how.... but I don't trust my memory on those things any more.  I'm learning to cope by writing everything down but that only works when you can remember where you left the list! ;-) When I've told people this struggle the normal response has been "well welcome to my life!" I understand that some people do have these struggles on a regular basis and it is their normal, but it wasn't mine making it fairly traumatic and hard to accept.  And I'm not accepting it either.  I will keep pushing to increase my memory. (I tend to be a bit stubborn...just a little)

So much of this last four months has been learning where and when can I push the boundaries. I readily admit I'm not good at knowing either of those options.  So far my pushing has been met by my body reacting harshly and then I spend the next 18 hours sleeping as my body reboots.  This has been a very good lesson for me to slow down.... listen to my husband who knows and loves me...and rest.  Jason has been pivotal in my healing as he sees my 'warning' signs so much faster than I do. And I'm sorry to say that often times I just don't listen to his warning :-( but by then it's too late and I do the walk of shame, self-issued shame, to bed where I have to again sleep it off.

This trip has been eye opening to me. From the struggle and pain of being on a plane (the noise, vibration, pressure), to the many things I just don't have clearance or ability to do.  For the first time in my life I'm learning to be on the sidelines.  To see the beauty of being the cheerleader as my kids surf instead of surfing with them, to listen to the many adventures Jason, my mother in law, and kids have experience from a day out and about hiking and zip-lining on the island. It has been an adjustment but not a bad one.  Years ago I was challenged in my quiet time in God's word to be quick to listen and slow to speak...a challenge to be sure. I forgot what an incredible gift it is to be the one listening, watching and taking pictures.

4 month lessons:

Don't miss the little things!

Listen to those who love you.  They see things you don't.  Show them you trust them by acting on what they have made you aware of. (aka slow down, rest)

It's ok to take it slow, not have all the answers and differ to those who do.

In the challenge is the beauty of God at work.

Blessings,

Amber

Time has no meaning

The IMCU (Intermediate Care Unit) of the Legacy hospital I was in was a haven for my family.  It was quite and as comfortable as a hospital suite can be.  We have no pictures of this time and I for one am happy about that.  During my days of time standing still I understand that I was a very scary shade of gray. Unfortunately is wasn't the lighting of my room, it was where my body was..in limbo and shade of gray was my body's way of coping with the trauma.

Having family close is no longer the norm of our world.  We tend to be spread out as jobs and life pull us many different ways.  My bio-family was no different.  My mother and her husband live in Kansas and my dad and sisters live about 3 hours away, while my in-laws are spread around too.  With the distance we don't see each other often.  We love our time together it just seems to be short and far between.  Since life is so busy and time is so short, right.

However, time for my family and dear friends pulled up short too when the unknown struck.  Not only did dear local friends rally around but my family came from far and wide to love me.  My dad arrived first.  My strokes were on Thursday and he was there Friday morning.  I couldn't open my eyes but I could smell him as soon as he walked in the room.  I love my Dad.  He has worn the same cologne since I was a little kid and for me it is one of the most wonderful smells and memories of my life. When he walked in it was like a little piece of me fell into place.  I remember he held my hand and talked with me and how happy I was he was there.  I felt so loved.  A few hours later my sisters showed up flowers and a stuffed dog with a bandaged head in tow. And again another piece fell into place.  I have no idea how long I listened to them laugh, tease and talk with each other but I do remember the incredible happiness I felt.  To make things even better in my foggy world my Mom arrived that evening and my biological family as a whole wrapped around me.  What bliss!  It makes me cry to remember it and I didn't even really engage, that I can remember.  I still couldn't open my eyes or stay awake for very long but I vividly remember my joy of being surrounded by my family who loved me and I loved them.  Jason was there everyday providing his calm steady love and support and my kids would come to visit making me laugh and feel whole.  My Mom was there every night to watch over me. She played with my hair or rubbed my head when the pain was to much and she prayed over me constantly.

I couldn't see for 4 days but I could listen.

And listen I did. Again for me the four days felt like one really long one but I discovered a love of listening that I've never really had.  I'm more of a talk more and listen if you have to kind of person...lol. That's been an adjustment for me.  I love to listen. 

The thing I learned over those days was the beauty of other peoples journey. 

I learned that the friends and family that visited are on a journey, as well, through this uncertain time.  They are processing too.   I got to listen as they processes and spoke around and to me.  They loved me dearly but they too were faced with very personal questions like

"Is God big enough for this?"

"Why would God allow this?" 

and 

"How is God going to use this for good?"

 These are very personal questions that each of us must face when we come to a crisis.  What do we really believe?  I was raised in the church and have remained over these many years, I know the right answers (head knowledge) but when faced with the idea that 'to live is Christ' what does that really mean? (heart knowledge, soul deep knowledge)  These are questions I hope to share what I've learned over the post ahead.  But going back to the hospital ;-) I was so thankful for the raw messy life that those around me shared.  Their fears, hopes, prayers.  What a gift to be so trusted and loved.

The whole time I was still at such overwhelming peace.  My over arching prayer and the words that enveloped me was 'to live is Christ, to die is gain' I knew there was more to that verse but I couldn't remember it.  I was so aware of Christ over me, protecting me, loving me and I could feel that from my family, my husband, my children. I was in a black hole of time for me it really had no basis in the reality of time but as I've discovered love really is timeless and full.

As we continue this journey I'd like to share what I've learned of processing the unexpected and the incredible hope that everyone can experience.

Bilateral Vertebral Artery Dissection

It's quite a mouthful, not that I know of many medical terms that are easy to say.  As in normal in the medical world, I'd never heard of this until January of 2016 when I was diagnosed with it.  At first the medical professionals thought I was dealing with a nasty case of vertigo but my best friend and husband called it a stroke the moment he tried to get me to move from my bed and I couldn't even lift a finger without intense pain.

Bilateral Vertebral Artery Dissection

There are a number of theories as to why this happened but no conclusive evidence as to the why this would happen to someone my age with no physical violent trauma. (car crash etc.)

The Beginning

I'd been struggling since the day after Christmas with a really sore and tender neck after being violently ill in the car.(For me this was my trauma but according to the medical community this was not traumatic enough to cause the stroke.)  Violently as in I've never been that sick in my life.  My poor husband had to pull the car to the side of the road on a busy section of 405 in Seattle where there was no place to pull over since I couldn't stop throwing up.  I now understand what the verse in Romans 8:26 says about the Spirit knowing what we need and interceding on our behalf.  I was so sick I couldn't even bring myself to do anything but cry out to God for help.  We ended up stopping at my Mom's house in Federal Way so I could be ill without moving instead of making the 3 hour drive home.  I was so grateful she was home.  I spent the night and the next day my oldest who had stayed with me, while the rest of my crew went home, took the train home.  What a sweet time we shared on the ride home.  It was a blessing as he was only home for winter break and I love spending time with him one on one.  We had a great time and what a fun and comfortable way to travel. 

I spent the next two weeks trying to heal my neck.  I assumed that I had pulled a muscle or something as my neck and the back of my head hurt so badly.  I was stiff but tried to have a good attitude about it and laugh it off.  Why focus on being ill if you have the choice to live content and happy? I tried a number of modalities and doctors to try and figure out why I still hurt after a week and a half yet nothing helped long term.  The week of my stroke I'd just resigned to myself that I was going to hurt for a while and I just needed to grin and bear it.  I had no idea....

Vertigo? Strokes? What!

I've always, unless on vacation, hated getting up in the mornings.  In my mind 9 was a perfectly acceptable time to enter the land of the living. :-) But with 5 kids that's not really a reality, especially when they are home educated and have classes to get to online at 8.  So at 7am my alarm on my phone when off and I struggled to roll over and turn it off, not an entirely unusual response on my part but something was off and I just brushed it off until I tried to get up.  I'm going to assume my body was on auto pilot because I sat up opened my eyes only to discover I was on the tea cup ride from hell and I promptly fell back on my bed into a fetal position as I felt like my head was going to fall off or blow up.  My world was spinning out of control and the pain I felt in my head was so beyond description intense.  After falling over my strength left me and I was stuck, unmovable.  I cried out for help to God again, not panicking but filled with peace, He had this but I needed to do my part too.

Thankfully, I heard my daughter playing in her room so I called out to her.  Little miss bubbly came bouncing in and I asked her to get her brother.  I'm so thankful she never even knew what was going on and that I was able to speak clearly.  Apparently after that point I wasn't clear in my speech or very lucid.  My son told me that I moved location on the bed and that I let him know I needed his dad right away and that I thought I needed the hospital.  I only remember bits and pieces of that time. I remember my husband coming home and trying to get me up thinking it was a sugar or vitamin issue but I couldn't move so he called 911 where he told them he thought it was a stroke.  I remember the paramedics arriving.  They put in my IV and gave me anti-nausea meds but I still couldn't open my eyes.  I guess I shared my gibberish with them too...my hubby loves to share that part of the story as apparently I was pretty funny and was answering questions in a way that even the paramedics noticed something was very wrong. I remember sobbing as they moved me and carried me down the stairs because the pain was so intense and I couldn't hold up my head.  I remember being in the ambulance but not much after that. It's just snap shots that I remember and even after 2 weeks those memories are getting blurry.

Most of the rest of my story was relayed to me by my Husband.  We were in the ER for 11 hours.  That time was spend discovering what was wrong.  By the grace of God I already had a neurologist that the ER doctor worked with and it was her insight that led to the discovery of my double stroke.  How you ask? Part of my problem is that at 38 I have braces...I know...anyway braces blocked out the back of my head on the MRI.  My Neurologist told them to do the MRI without contrast and tada my bilateral vertebral artery dissection!  Apparently you’re really not supposed to survive this, it's kinda a big deal.  One of my arteries collapse and the other dissected. As soon as a room was available I was moved to the IMCU (Intermediate Care Unit) Stroke. 

The next 4 days’ time stood still and it felt like a day to me.

I vaguely remember people visiting and praying with me..I vividly remember complete peace...and the words always on my mind were 'to live is Christ to die is gain'

*Before I pause until my next post I want to praise the IMCU staff at the hospital what an amazing unit!  The staff and nurses of the unit were so kind and attentive to my and my families needs.  And they took care of my Mom who was staying the nights with me so my hubby could go home and take care of the kids. We never felt like a burden or just another room and we can't thank them enough for that.



Time

Time....that illusive thing that we never seem to have enough of.

Time is precious, time is necessary, time is out of our control.
We don't have time to do the things we want to...barely have time to do the things we need to.

And yet our time goes by...

until it doesn't

and we have no control of when that will happen either.

 

 

For some people there will come a time in their lives where time stands still and with great clarity can see our world, our sin, our need, and what really matters eternally.  Then we can see time for what it is...a gift.

 

I was given the gift of clarity through the experience of two incredibility rare and deadly strokes. 

 

For 4 days' time stood still...

 

I would like to share this experience with you.  I desire to share the truths that are so evident around us but we are to busy to see them.  I'm not a crier but I weep with joy over the gift I have been given, the message I have received of hope, faith, life, and a love that I can barely wrap my mind around.

 

Time is precious, necessary, and while it is completely out of our control.... it is completely in HIS!

 

If you'd like join me on this life learning...there are things Jesus will share with us.

 

Philippians 1:21-22a "For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  But, if I am to live on in the flesh this will mean fruitful labor for me;"