4 months

Just shy of 4 months’ post stroke and I sit in Kona Hawaii reminiscing over the last 4 months and what it has meant to me, my family, friends, and strangers. 

The first few weeks’ post stroke was challenging for my family and I as we learned to adjust to my limitations.  I was so tired as my brain tried to heal. I had some continued issues with my words and balance and we discovered my memory had holes in it too.  I just didn't remember things that I should have and my short term memory was pretty hit or miss as well. In all honesty that has been one of the most difficult parts of my recovery, missed memory.  My memory in some areas is completely sharp but there are other areas that just seem out of reach. Things that I think I should remember I don't.  And it isn't just older memories.... I’ve discovered as I've tried to push pass my barriers of healing that stress, noise (oven or bathroom vents, T.V.), to much visual stimulation (T.V. driving long distances) or vibrations (airplanes) really mess with my ability to remember things in the here and now.  Thankfully it's not things like remembering children or anything big like that! It's more the things like schedule, plans I've made or people I've met, or things I've said while under the stress that tend to rattle my memory.  I'm a person who likes to be in charge to know what is going on, who is going where, when, how.... but I don't trust my memory on those things any more.  I'm learning to cope by writing everything down but that only works when you can remember where you left the list! ;-) When I've told people this struggle the normal response has been "well welcome to my life!" I understand that some people do have these struggles on a regular basis and it is their normal, but it wasn't mine making it fairly traumatic and hard to accept.  And I'm not accepting it either.  I will keep pushing to increase my memory. (I tend to be a bit stubborn...just a little)

So much of this last four months has been learning where and when can I push the boundaries. I readily admit I'm not good at knowing either of those options.  So far my pushing has been met by my body reacting harshly and then I spend the next 18 hours sleeping as my body reboots.  This has been a very good lesson for me to slow down.... listen to my husband who knows and loves me...and rest.  Jason has been pivotal in my healing as he sees my 'warning' signs so much faster than I do. And I'm sorry to say that often times I just don't listen to his warning :-( but by then it's too late and I do the walk of shame, self-issued shame, to bed where I have to again sleep it off.

This trip has been eye opening to me. From the struggle and pain of being on a plane (the noise, vibration, pressure), to the many things I just don't have clearance or ability to do.  For the first time in my life I'm learning to be on the sidelines.  To see the beauty of being the cheerleader as my kids surf instead of surfing with them, to listen to the many adventures Jason, my mother in law, and kids have experience from a day out and about hiking and zip-lining on the island. It has been an adjustment but not a bad one.  Years ago I was challenged in my quiet time in God's word to be quick to listen and slow to speak...a challenge to be sure. I forgot what an incredible gift it is to be the one listening, watching and taking pictures.

4 month lessons:

Don't miss the little things!

Listen to those who love you.  They see things you don't.  Show them you trust them by acting on what they have made you aware of. (aka slow down, rest)

It's ok to take it slow, not have all the answers and differ to those who do.

In the challenge is the beauty of God at work.

Blessings,

Amber