Bandaids and Chocolate Chips

When your adopting a major focus or concern you have is bonding.  Will we be able to bond?  What can I do to promote bonding etc.  I have to honestly say at the beginning this wasn't really a question for me, or so I thought.  I just assumed that bonding would not be an issue for me.  I had my Ergo, I'd been praying for these children for 2 years, and I was called to adopt.  I loved my children and in my mind, even before I knew them, they were my children.  So my focus was how to get them to bond to me, to us as a family.

One of the first things I read (when your adopting you read a lot!) about bonding was the importance of skin to skin contact with something yummy to share.  Like a caramel or sucker, something that would force you both to slow down and for the child something oral that would release something in them that brings them back to being a baby (like nursing). The act of nursing (skin to skin and sucking) releases something amazing in a child's mind and body -so the hope is that by reaching into that closeness a special bonding can be reached.  Now the something yummy to share is for children who are over the age for a bottle, bottles or nursing are natural stop and bond moments.  It's a great idea and I latched right on....I purchased my yummies in wait for the new children.  My big kids thought it was a great idea too so at any available moment they'd come yummy in hand to cuddle.  In the end they ate all the candy I first purchased so I went out purchased more and hid them!  But as life get's busy yummy, sit down, quiet time just doesn't seem to happen naturally.

Which brings me to band-aids.  Band-aids are something that we naturally use in our home of 4 boys and 1 girl.  We gladly go through Costco size boxes of band-aids and neosporin.  They get put on everything from imaginary owies to gushers.  I am very free with them....they even get character band-aids in their stockings every year for Christmas.  Zaya and I have had many times with him and I in the kitchen cleaning a scrape or cut or unknown owie.  Talking, touching and always ending in a kiss and word of comfort or warning.  We do this without thinking many times a week.  Today I was reading an article in my Adoption magazine about bonding over band-aids.  It usually takes more than one person to successfully put one on giving the opportunity to bond.  Mom's who lovingly apply band-aids can take even the oldest child to a place of security and comfort.  In the end we as parents become the living band-aids.  Healing, loving, touching, and connecting with our children, adopted or not, and they trust us to do this for them.  I was so comforted to hear this as I know my littlest man knows I love him and he trust me to heal his wounds.

Now Callie on the other hand hates band-aids on her.  She'll play with them and put them on anyone who will hold still long enough but if she has to have one....look out!  But bring out the chocolate chips (or chocolate of any kind) and we cuddle, calm, share and connect on a totally girl level!  Chocolate will never be the same for me.

Looking back at our adoption bonding experience and how different our two little ones are I can see areas I'd do differently.  In hind sight I wish I'd given Zaya (22 months at the time) a bottle so we could have had that natural, one on one quiet gazing, touching bonding time that we missed out on.  It's taken longer for him to bond with our family.  He had struggles uniquely his that we needed to go through to become trustworthy in his eyes.  And we needed to learn to love a child who for quite a while would not love us back.  We made many mistakes and we faced much hardship but in the end the Lord brought us all through the fire that melted us together as a family.  So even though I see opportunities missed in my early bonding time with my son I am thankful that God had a better plan knowing what we all needed to make the bond strong.  God our heavenly Father was our band-aid.  Lovingly touching, ministering, healing and caring for us. Bring us not only closer together but helping us to connect with Him too.  How thankful I am.....for band-aids, chocolate chips and always learning as I go......